LENT: Finale

Quite a GAP from the 1^st day of LENT till now the Holy Week begins… I started off with LENT: To give Up or Not to Give Up...is the question. Answer?

So God knows me intimately, even from my first moments. He has a plan for me; whatever talents I have, he can put to use.

I asked myself, do I stand in the Lord’s way, with my own plan? I worked hard, I tried my best but now I have nothing left to give. Is this now the lord’s time when my way seems blocked?… and then do you even know what you want said someone once close to me… its seems to be that I may have projected that I have hidden demons that I need to take care of… but you know what… this year was a year of exploration… from a cheerful to others but secretive person I decided why not… open that mouth don’t analyze everything, be open and most of all be trusting… “if you don’t trust someone how will you know if you can trust them… dummy testing I know! Lol.

So… as the 40 days come to an end; I wasn’t very sacrificial as I would usually be… given up this and that... And go out of my way to do anything or sometimes everything, I went with the flow broke all my rules. Met amazing people, let them into my life, let me not get very hunky dory I even manage to betray trust and break it, a lesson I will never forget and hope that If I ever had a chance to do it all over again, I would and if not then if this is ever read by them, hope they do believe I am ‘sorry’ and I have thought long and hard about my actions and every-day yes! Every day I think about it I burn in shame and I want to apologize and ask if they could take me back and if things would go back to being the same.

So speaking of treachery there were two treacheries. Judas went out to grab his money, betrayed Jesus, and then killed himself in despair. Peter, despite his protests, would deny his Lord; he faced his own appalling guilt, and then wept bitterly. His failure was not the end of the mission, but the beginning.

What did I learn from my treachery … what I do with my failures…? I was very kindly advised you need to know who to trust and you need to be smart…since 1979 I never came across such an experience then what happened to me…logic and reason left the table or did I want to taste a big dollop of ‘rich cream fool’ so I ask and beg …Teach me to trust in love and forgiveness… no matter what I have done, and to learn from my mistakes and even from treachery.

John's gospel describes the Last Supper without mentioning the Eucharist. Instead, it describes Jesus washing his friend's feet.

A reference “On his knees like a servant, Jesus turned human status upside down.”

Do I celebrate servitude or am I nice to strangers and ignore people closest to me? So now I think what was at the heart of Jesus’ mission: to suffer appallingly and to die without faltering in his love for us. Is this is where the gospel begins and ends. It is hard to contemplate. We shy away from the pain and injustice in our daily lives, be it at work or at home or friends or even community, as a catholic we have been thought the servitude, love and forgiveness should be core of our belief …. How much of that is collecting dust on our arterial shelves and how much do we even acknowledge it… personally, distrust, uncertainty, revenge and sympathy for self is the center of life

I carry the nail marks in my hands from baptism. I may wander far from the cross, but at the end I am drawn back to it. That’s just me … I have read many books and met many people but I am sure that this is all I know and it makes me happy makes me want to look forward to another day, learn from my mistakes and if the gross mistake is from my side them I want to apologize and ask for a second or as Jesus said ask and give forgiveness seventy times seven

Tonight I affirm my ancient faith: Christ has robbed death of its ultimate sting and has invigorated this sweet, precious, precarious, once-only life that is slipping away from us with every hour and day and year.

When I go home and stand on my balcony as I breathe the evening air, when I catch the sweet smells of the new season, I hope to have hints of a day that knows no ending, a light that will not yield to darkness, and a life in these weary bodies that even creeping death will not be able to frustrate or despoil. I yearn for new life.

Jesus has risen, and we have risen with him to new life.

Happy Easter in Advance. God Bless!

Sing Song

I face the world with a smile, no one knows what is hid inside.
They see only happiness, they cant see the tears I've cried.

When I am alone I hurt, because here I do it well.
In front of all the watchful eyes my heaven turns to hell.

The judge and jury awaits me, everyone has a say.
In a life that hangs suspended for yet another day.

Who are they to judge if what I have done is right or wrong?
In the end I gave Her up, but inside still sing Her song.
I don't know how to find the strength I thought I had.
If only I could play tough it wouldn't be so bad.

They say that life goes on and someday I'll smile again.
But, how do they know my pain without being where I've been?

I've traveled so far from home, and can't find my way back.
Somewhere along the way I must have jumped the track.

I saw her just few days back and Her smile is still the same.
She looked at me so sweetly, but never spoke my name.
I wonder if she remembers me, It hasn't been that long.

She may have forgotten me, but I still sing Her song.

Forgive them even if they are not sorry.

"Forgive them even if they are not sorry."

When you are able to forgive others, even if they are unapologetic for the wrongs that they have committed against you, only then will your mind truly be free. Those who are willing to hold grudges against those who trespass against them are only doing their own selves a disservice. Being unforgiving to someone doesn't benefit any person at all. It causes pain to be experienced over and over again that just doesn't need to be thought about on such a high level.

Being unforgiving also tends to distort a person's viewpoint on life as a whole. Instead of being able to take risks, and see opportunities for what they really are, those who are unforgiving take less risks, and only see what life is from their own point of view, since they are less willing to trust in others and their experiences. So forgive, forgive when they apologize, and when they are not sorry, doing so will free your soul, and let you live to reach your greatest potential.

There are blessings hidden in misfortunes, hidden in curses,my inauthenticity became my guilt..then i remembered that even poisons can be used as medicine and tehy can become life-enhancing..

I felt guilty, and tried to see why I was feeling guilty. Yes, felt helpless. Right! And my actions made me feel ignorant -- In my ignorance I have done many things which were not as they should be -- that, too, is right.

So I acccept this helplessness, this ignorance, and pray. Let your tears come down, confess, repent, say to God/ or anyone / or some higher power, "I was helpless, I was ignorant, and I could not do better. And I still cannot do better, unless you help.

As I am, I will again go wrong. As I am, I will again betray you. I cannot rely on myself. Help me. Only your grace can save me."

so would i forgive if I was wronged? cause I am weak and i'd feel bad after looking at the effort they made to ask forgiveness or would i forgive when i would know that people make mistakes...I know every thing happens for a reason... but lately have no reason why it happened the way it happened... man! sometimes i think my world would have been a happier place if i practiced a little bit of psychology i studied in college... but come to think of it...

Am I the kind of person who loves playing mind games no! in the whirlwind of what was going on i felt like i was facing a multiple choice question and the choices were confusing ... the question was pretty straight forward... all i know is that ... i wish ... after knowing how I made that person feel bad and they will know in their heart to make things up... coz i am not someone who is very very good with the word sorry ... i truly feel it! so Forgive me for my mistakes, i am still a kid learning the responsibility of being an adult

LENT: To Give Up or Not to Give Up...is the question..answer?

Here comes 'LENT' most popular items to 'give up' on lent are , smoking, drinking avoid meats, clubbing some grow a beard... and what nots...Me! How should I do things differently to win my spot in Heaven...
Well lets see.. Should my lent Program be to 'SAVE' Myself or to realize that 'I' have been SAVED by his Sacrifice...

Lets get way back...in time **imagines some background music...I sometimes catch myself saying am so happy being a catholic what would I be if i was born in another household... would it different?...Well I don't know ...the only things I remember are catechism classes, learning prayers (By Heart)...wearing a white dress for the communion and yes... hilarious episode where i got an allergic reaction a day before my confirmation and I was to stand next to my then crush...looking like "Hitch- part II" ...lol!

but as I grew older... and was out of my so called 'Honeymoon' period of life... i realized what it means to have a religion... and the simple power of faith... not to anyone or anything... but that invisible thought that keeps you going...

We live in so much negativity that we we surround ourselves in darkness... this is when our expectations limit raise more than our giving limit... **Giving in realistic terms...

I wish sometimes what if we were connected via iChat or BBM to Jesus or this higher being who guarantee eternal life... (lets get to 'what is eternal life in a bit... please am on a roll :D)

and say...I know there is darkness around me and within me... and I keep making up my mind in a second and change it again in the next... the world is constantly changing... but somehow I always feel I am not in the same speed lane or maybe I am running in the opposite Direction...How can I change this..? do i record every act of generosity or every sacrifice? or every prayer i make before i go to sleep... how do i calculate what is my bit i need to do to get to that final resting place ... the promised to be the highest selling spot..ah! H.E.A.V.E.N

yes! yes! ...now you will day simple dahling...K... its a tough choice...not only between good and evil but choices about what is for the greater good..

so... am so sure I am going to see my FB wall and page filled with wallpapers with quotes from the bible, some very interesting thoughts... but hey..what to do with them... oh! that's nice... and forget about it the moment I close my page...?!?

Or do I get inspired by them..since to easy to be caught up in the day to day of my life...and make simple points to follow.. which as per me are not too cheesy...

so this time its not going to be me...giving up... drinking, eating meat, sacrificing (i don't even know what)...but... more in the lines of... let me be 'happy' for no reason...be my authentic self...accept my flaws ...practice wholeness in everything...be it work, friends,lovers,neighbors or even with a stranger...

I wish finally I could BBM HIM and say...Hey there Bro J, I know how much you love me... coz its difficult to take someone else s blame..and take a beating for it... and at the end of it say...they know not what they are doing but I love then anyways...Bro J... its hard for me to feel that love sometimes... but I know you do anyways... Let me not take that LOVE for granted like I do everything... my job, my friends,family..simple luxuries in life, happy moments and not so happy moments...Let me wake up every morning with a Smile and grateful heart... and thing how I can spread what blessing that I have received to another.. and when they say... K is so smiley and happy and when she walks into the room the room lights up! ... I smile within me and say.... bro J "I am Wearing the SMILE you GAVE me TODAY!!

Dreams are my Escape

Dreams are my escape - but I have to realize they are just a dream - NOT Reality.

lets talk of things that are forbidden... everything.. and I mean everything which is unapproachable create a deep desire unconscious to acquire it... to possess it becomes ur un-willed nature... because as history has knocked us like how an apple fell on Newton's head! lol... we Human take for granted what is in front of our eyes and easily accessible..no!

A friend of mine posted her status on FB on her sons V-day **who is months old or years..OK! I cant remember.. apologies...

ok here's the v-day story...He held a girl's hand. He tried to kiss her. She resisted. He turned and walked away. She chased, held on to him and refused to let go. He screamed to be released... So toddler love stories are the same as adult ones?

haha!! cute right..! but in reality not!

so how often do you go in a state of randomness...

see ... if u are reading this .. its has no chronological order**now i understand my lit prof. would kind of deduct my marks all da tyme... **yea and modern lingo or shall I say BBM talk does not count!

chatter! chatter! ... I think I have cultivated a habit of constant chattering.. and me thinks it continues in my sleep too... its almost autonomous..so now I am going to tame myself to go in grace and go slow... and stop with the randomness...

its a habit... right **wink! wink!

The honeymoon never ends

Came across this OSHO write-up and it struck a cord and put into words exactly what state of mind i am at when people do not understand why... i do not prefer tags or words that define people... why cannot two people be free flowing...

Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry on with it, just to keep your promises. To do so is comfortable, convenient, and cosy. Perhaps you do it because there is nothing else to do. Perhaps you think that if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you… Relationship means something complete, finished, and closed.

Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is ongoing. Lovers end, love continues. It’s a continuum. It’s a verb, not a noun.

And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a security. Relationship has a certainty; relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what the morrow brings? We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; so we reduce verbs to nouns.

You are in love and immediately you start thinking of getting married. Make it a legal contract. The law comes
into love because love is not there. It is only a fantasy, and you know the fantasy will disappear.
If you enjoy being with somebody, you would like to enjoy it more and more. If you enjoy the intimacy, you would like to explore the intimacy more and more. And there are a few flowers of love that bloom only after long intimacies. There are seasonal flowers too: within six weeks they are there, in the sun, but another six weeks and they are gone forever. There are flowers that take years to come… The longer it takes, the deeper it goes. But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another. It has not even to be verbalised, because to verbalise it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment, eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart, being-to-being. It has to be understood, not said. Forget relationships and learn how to relate.

Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other’s personality.
You are trying to unravel a mystery that cannot be unravelled. That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness.

Its a Sacrifice

Lesson for Today Learn to sacrifice...

Most often people walk out of your life because its easier to do that then take courage have faith and work things out they hide behind oh! its practical no!

I hate being lied to... i rather sob.. and finish a box of tissues and end up listening to sob songs rather than being lied to!...me thinks...well people lie because its easier than to tell the truth its sad that they don't even try since its not easy to lower their pride

People don't know how to sacrifice... people profess their love through words... yes..why do relationships fail... because words,words stupid poetry and verses, dialogue from movies..have built this expectation that oh! everyone is now a master of impeccable dictions and and knowledge of everything love... i was born with the don juan gene so i can flatter everything that beautiful..what happened to the good old days of hand written cards, flowers and yes mix-tapes... we are so conditioned to think its so lame and close psycho behavior.... so we use words... emails,forwards,BBM;s .... because its easier than showing their love in actions..

I know that sometimes it can be hard to know if you are making a healthy sacrifice in a relationship or settling for something you shouldn’t.  Everyone has differences and every relationship requires sacrifice.  

It is good to know yourself to figure out whether you can make a change in yourself to make the relationship better or whether you should look for someone who doesn’t need you to change.

so all you silly romantics... like me.. who love sappy love songs and still go oohh at chessy words and believe in flowers and romantic walks ... may the power of love be yours....

Are You Happy?

Are you Happy?

“You created this moment …what are you going to do with it love?”

If you cannot say you are happy…then you have already chosen to be unhappy… sounds pretty optimistic..? Well you need to be …ever heard people say life is short! Live life kind size… blah! Blah! And even if we never admit it… we would absolutely love it… if ‘Life’ came with a manual! Or a FAQ column…:D

No because this isn't about just starting your day choosing to be happy.

The point is you choose everything!

You have so much control over your life and you just give it away to misery every time!

Why do you do that?

If life has you down, if traffic has you down, if work stinks, if your marriage/relationship stinks, if you just aren't happy then you need to be responsible for how you feel!

You need to take control of how you feel and MAKE yours choices so you are happy. Yes, your choices do have consequences.

Sometimes you may lose something you cherished in order to be happy…. Seem easy to say… but man! It’s difficult to let got! But that's when you need to get your scale out and do some weighing.

What is more important to you, your overall happiness and sanity, or the other thing you need to let go of that more than likely has its own lessons to learn and has nothing to do with you. Got it!

I didn’t get it then either… and had pretty choice words towards everyone and everything… at the end… I felt I was sitting on those rotaty thingy that we have in most of the gardens in India**with handles and you gotta use your legs for full-power!! Yea that one! … And watch people move one…continue with their happy, sad and mundane life… where do I fit into that equation… no-where…

So picked up ‘monk who sold the ferrari’ tried to meditate and failed… thoughts kept wondering to what to cook…will I get a call for that job I applied…need to lose weight…so on so forth…  

What to do… right! Progressive / vocal house to the rescue… download some nice **hot voices and plugged them into my ears… the moment I felt a tingle in the front of my forehead… I realized… I was doing the right thing…that is let go of guilt, Sorrow and Envy..

* Guilt – That it’s not your fault and nor is it anyone else’s … its life things happen for a reason …

* Sorrow – Mom passing away… had to change to grief to grace…

* Envy – where do I begin… life begins at 30 and I was hitting the slumps… so had to take the 1^st ladder to success which meant it begins with me…

So began the journey of power of intent! … yes intent…

I will win! Attitude… The concept of the secret is if someone believes they "will" get a million dollars it will come to them. If I send out to the universe to send me my soul mate before I am 35 then it will happen. If I create a board with all the things I want the universe will know I want them and give them to me. It I believe it will happen it will. Is this true? Yes and No.

So for now… I don’t know what tomorrow brings ... I am happy… which who is with and without me… I still stick to Life Minus Expectations Equals Unconditional Love... I would imagine life for one hour out of our day where you had no expectations of anyone! now I aspire to increase that hour or two to more…